Disclaimer: I do not own "FullMetal Alchemist".
Note: In this tale, I make no attempt at being serious, so please do not be offended.
"Greetings, everyone." Mustang said, giving his usual cocky half-grin, "I'm sure you're all wondering why I brought you here. Well, this time, I'll actually tell you what I have planned."
"That would be a first." Envy smirked.
"For once, I'll agree." Ed put in, giving Mustang a side-glance that would melt the polar ice caps.
Mustang, with a vein throbbing and an eye twitching, continued. "Today, we are here to play a little drinking game." He placed a glass in front of everyone and filled them with champayne.
Scar stood up and rolled up his right arm sleeve. "Drinking is a sin, and for that: you shall perish." With that, he took a step towards Mustang. "Oh, mighty God who shapes us all," he said, "please accept this lost soul into your..."
"DO YOU HAVE TO DRONE ON LIKE THAT EVERY TIME YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE!" Envy shouted, while gripping the arms of the chair he/she was sitting in, angrily. He jumped up and kicked a surprised Scar back down into his chair. "And for heaven's sake: loosen up, you tightwad!" Envy growled.
"Now you've made me lose my menacing presence, demon, and you know well enough that I cannot kill without it." Scar sulked, and resigned himself to playing this immoral game.
"Can we just get on with this, now?" Edward asked, losing his patience (what little of it he had) fast, "What are the stupid rules for this stupid game, already?"
"Very well." Mustang said, "This is a game called 'I've Never'. The rules are simple. Who's ever turn it is will say something that they have never done. And whoever has done that will take a drink from their glass. And Greed," Roy turned to the rogue Homunculi, and the biggest drunk of the entire group, "No lying just so you can take a drink."
"Hey, what makes you think I'd ever do a thing like that?" Greed asked, grinning, but then he looked around at the group, all of whom had facial expressions that read "you really have to ask?" on them. He just shrugged, chuckling nervously.
"Anyway, I'll go first." Roy said, and grinned evilly. He said, "I've never kissed a person of the same sex."
Winry, Rose, Hawkeye, Greed, and Armstrong all took a drink.
Hughes slid as far away from Armstrong as he could.
"W…W…Wi…Winry…?" Ed and Alphonse sputtered, staring at her in utter shock.
Winry just blushed and giggled, nervously, exchanging glances with Rose, who was also blushing. Scar merely raised his eyebrow at this.
"Hawkeye?" Roy asked, enraged, "You made out with another chick? And after all we've been through!"
"I'm sorry, sir." Hawkeye said, bowing her head in shame.
"No, it's not like that, but you should've invited me along to watch! I've earned that, at least!" Roy declared, then noticed all the pairs of eyes staring at him. "…what?"
"Now, wait a minute, Greed!" Envy said, turning to him, getting up with a disbelieving look on his face, "Since when?"
"Since you looked so damned sweet while sleeping that one time! Not to mention: you kissed me back" Greed said, with a wink.
Envy glared at Edward as the young alchemist laughed hysterically at the embarrassed Homunculi's expense.
"And you," Wrath said, pointing to Armstrong, "What guy did you kiss?"
"I'd rather not say." The big man replied, turning away from the group.
"Why not?" Wrath asked, confused.
"Its…not for you to know, young man." Armstrong said.
"Its alright, Wrath," Lust said, "I have a feeling we don't even want to know."
"Anyway," Roy said, keeping an uneasy on Armstrong, "Greed, it's your turn."
"Alright," Greed said, smirking, "I've…I've never…never…" He turned to Mustang and said: "You know, there's not much left that I haven't already done."
"Understood." Roy said. "Winry, you're next."
Winry stood up, and after a moment, declared, "I've never been a child prodigy!"
"You just had to say something that would specifically relate to me, didn't you?" Ed asked, and took a drink. He stood up and announced, "I've never had sexual fantasies about me." He pointed to himself.
Only Envy all took a drink.
Depression clouds formed over Ed.
"You should have just let me kill the Flame Boy." Scar said.
"There, there." Alphonse said, patting a weeping Edward on the back.
"Now," Envy said, "my turn! I've never made out with Roy!"
Riza and Armstrong reached for their glasses.
"Arm…strong…" Roy said, shocked and speechless, before falling over.
"So…YOU'RE the guy!" Wrath laughed, pointing at Roy, then he turned to Armstrong with a confused look, "but Roy's about as straight as they come! How did you make out with him?"
"In his younger day, there was many a time when he'd had a few too many drinks." Armstrong recalled, "Ah, those were the days, when he and I would take the dance floor and he'd say the sweetest things…" He spoke wistfully and sparkled as he never said before, "…of course, I only found out later that he was a drunk." A single tear went down Armstrong's face.
He looked back at the small crowd, who were all very much disturbed by this little tale.
"I'd laugh in Mustang's face, but that's just too creepy…" Edward said.
"And you're not even tall enough to reach his face." Lust added.
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORT, HUH?" Ed leaped up and thrashed about as Al held him back.
"And, you will witness as the STRONGARM ALCHEMIST takes his turn!" Armstrong declared, leaping up, and doing a pose.
"Do I even want to know what you'll have us revealing now?" Ed asked, sweat-dropping.
"I've never been ugly!" Armstrong said.
No one took a drink. Armstrong cleared his throat and nudged Envy.
"And just what are you implying by that?" the homunculi snarled.
"That you, girly-man, or manly-girl, cannot be anything other than ugly, because we would never have known your gender without your telling us!"
Envy growled, and looked like someone about to commit murder when Lust grabbed his arm.
"He has a point, Envy." Lust said, "and besides, someone has to take a drink to continue the game."
Grumbling unrepeatable things, Envy gulped his drink.
"Ah-ha! And now I have a declaration to make!" Hughes said, smiling, ear to ear, "I've never murdered anyone!"
Greed, Envy, Lust, Wrath, Scar, Roy, and Armstrong all took a drink.
"My turn." Izumi said, "I've never a dishonorable student!"
Ed and Greed took a drink and Al merely poured the substance down the inside of his armor.
"My go." Rose said, "I've never danced naked right out of the shower."
Greed, Riza, Winry, Armstrong, Izumi, Lust, and Wrath all took a drink.
Ed drooled at the thought of all those women dancing naked. Roy and Hughes smirked at Hawkeye.
"Perverts." Winry said, noticing this, then knocked Ed over the head with a wrench.
"Heh, heh, heh, now…I have something to say." Wrath said, doing his trademark evil smile. "I've never betrayed my comrades."
"Ah, thank you, child!" Greed said, gulping his drink.
"I've never actually been lustful." Lust spoke up monotonously.
Everyone else took a drink.
"And now," Roy said, "The lovely Riza Hawkeye!"
Riza just swallowed, bit her lip, and finally said, "I've never had sex."
Mustang, Hughes, Armstrong, Greed, Rose, Lust, and Envy all took a drink, and Alphonse, again, poured the drink down the inside of his armor.
"Al…?" Edward asked, wide eyed, looking at the suit of armor that housed his brother's soul up and down, "…how is that even possible…"
"It's a long story for another time, brother." Al simply answered.
"And now to end this game as quickly as possible." Scar said, and stood up, "I've never been left out of the anime."
Ling took a drink, "At long last I got to have a part in this tale, at least." He grumbled and stood up. "I've never been good with machinery." He said.
Winry took a drink.
"Well, that ends that." Roy declared. Everyone began to get up and leave.
"Remind me never to play another game with Mustang." Ed told Al.
"So, Greed, how was the kiss we shared?" Envy asked, flirtingly, "Was it, exquisite?"
Blinking, Greed paused, then grinned, "Oh, definitely!"
Envy smiled, and the two Homunculi's eyes met. "Say, I know a good food joint. Wanna go and have some dinner?"
"Definitely." Greed grinned. With that, the pair got up, held hands, and left together.
Everyone else groaned, and again, sweat-dropped.
"Oh, that is just SICK and WRONG!" Edward shouted after them.